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Consistency Is The Name Of The Game Of Parenting |
By:
Dr. Noel Swanson. |
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consistency is the name of the game of parenting
Dr. Noel Swanson.
If there is one word that is consistently heard about parenting, it is the need for consistency: consistency in what you say and do, and consistency between parents.
If you are not consistent, your child gets ample opportunity to manipulate you and play one parent against the other. But achieving consistency is a difficult feat, no doubt! And can become more difficult if the other parent is too rigid to change his/her behavior for the child.
Here are some helpful tips:
First off, the key to both staying calm and maintaining consistency is to have a plan. Decide IN ADVANCE how you plan to deal with particular situations.
Having done that, when you find yourself in that situation you will be able to calmly do what you had pre-planned.
Without a plan, you will act out of habit, which is often a lot of yelling and threatening. With a plan, you will probably react differently.
Decide also which battles are worth fighting - and chill out about the others. The rule here is that if you have a rule you MUST enforce it - every time without fail. If you are not prepared to do that, then clearly the rule is not that important, in which case you should drop it.
As a family you can decide certain norms that are essential and others that are preferred behavior. For instance, some mothers allow their children to put their feet on the sofa, others don't. It's up to you. What is important is to stick with what you have decided. Don't keep changing your stance every now and then.
Honestly, it is these grey areas that cause the maximum stress. If you are not clear about them, you can't expect your children to read your mind when you want something done in a particular manner. Once you make up your mind you will see how the stress goes away.
The really difficult part is when you have a plan, but your partner keeps undermining it.
No easy answers, of course, since this goes to the core of your relationship as a couple. Are you able to discuss the children calmly and rationally, or are they pawns in some kind of power struggle between you?
You don't even have to agree on everything - as long as you agree to disagree. But even when you disagree, you DO have to back each other up in front of the children. If your partner has said NO you must say NO too; and then discuss it between you privately. If you say NO, you would hope that (s)he would also back you up.
Otherwise the kids will simply go from one parent to the next looking for the answer they want.
The bottom line is to be consistent yourself so that you can discuss your rules and expectations with your partner and come up with a coherent plan. Most parents find a parent book very helpful in this respect. For one, it is written by people who know and secondly, it offers an unbiased objective opinion which is easy to accept by both parents.
In the worst scenario where you cannot even agree on fundamental ways of handling situations, what can you do?
You can only be true to yourself. The same for your partner.
This is the kind of situation children learn to exploit very soon. For instance, if one parent is permissive and the other is authoritarian, the children will quickly work this out to suit their interests.
There are ways to overcome this situation if you do some introspection and try to understand the other's point of view. Rather than let the children acquire wrong attitudes, it is better to put yourself in the other's shoes. And, as they say, if it hurts, it must be hurting the other too. So, start by working on yourself, and you will see how fast the other changes too.
Make amends before the situation gets out of control and the time comes when one parent completely destroys the authority or credibility of the other parent. This is a distress signal for you to take note of and do something about your relationship. If you don't, your children will learn to disrespect all types of authority, and you will gradually lose all respect for yourself too.
The secret is to look at yourself more critically than you look at others. Often, it is your habit that rules your behavior not reason. The golden rule is to change yourself first rather than wait for the other to change first.
For more http://www.good-child-guide.com/expert-parenting-tips) parenting advice by Dr. Noel Swanson, why not check out his http://www.good-child-guide.com/ parenting advice website and get his free newsletter?
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Article Source: http://www.statssheet.com/articles/article71292.html |
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