Illness And Anger: 3 Steps To Avoid The Spiritual Pitfalls
Lisa Copen
"When I was first diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I actually felt relief," shares Cindy. "I had been trying to find a reason for my pain and it finally was acknowledged as being something physical not mental." Cindy goes on to explain, "It wasn't until months later that I started getting short-tempered and frustrated and I realized that I was angry about the diagnosis. I was angry that I had to suffer and no one understood."
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, a doctor in Switzerland, wrote a life-changing book called, "On Death and Dying" which describes the cycle of emotional stages that is often referred to as the grief cycle. Anger is the third stage, following the shock stage and the denial stage.
Anger is a natural reaction to a diagnosis of chronic illness. Acknowledging the feelings and working through them is a part of the cycle of mourning and grief. And any loss in life requires us to go through a time of mourning, especially the losses of our dreams when we find out or body will never be the same.
Acknowledging these feelings exist and learning how to manage them is part of the mourning process. People have a variety of time frames for each stage of the grief cycle, but sooner or later one will likely enter this phase. Surprisingly your anger may be worst during the third year of the disease than the first.
Cheryl, who lives with diabetes, shares, "For the longest time the disease was just an annoyance, but once I had to start checking my blood sugar ten times a day and watching every bite I ate, I got angry. I lashed out at everyone, even my husband and daughter. I was so jealous they could eat whatever they wanted and didn't even appreciate it."
One thing we can count on is that anger is part of the grief cycle that we all go through when we suffer loss.
"It is my observation," says Linda Noble Topf, author of "You are Not Your Illness," "that the absence of anger in the face of a serious illness suggests that we have already withdrawn from life, that we have relinquished our passion for living, that we are resigned and emotionally numb."
Anger can be seen as something shameful to express, especially if you are a Christian, who has been told that angry emotions are not excused or even "allowed." You may experience some of these feelings:
- If my faith is strong enough, then I should trust that God is in control, so I shouldn't be angry at what He has planned. Doesn't anger show a lack in faith?
- If I reveal my anger to my Christian friends, they're going to tell me to have more faith. They will think that my walk with God must be weak.
- I know it says, "wise men shouldn't anger" in the Bible. How can I, in good faith, express the emotions that I am feeling?
- I know that anger leads to bitterness. So if I don't acknowledge these feelings I will be a "better Christian" and I won't ever become bitter about life.
None of these feelings are unusual, yet they keep us from dealing with the grief that we are going through because of our loss of health and lifestyle.
Here are a few suggestions for coping effectively with illness and the anger that accompanies it.
1. Are you feeling angry? Acknowledge this emotion and then move on with life.
Don't bury these emotions, believing that it will make you a stronger person. Topf recommends "think of anger as a resource that you can learn to harness and refine for your own benefit." Being able to address your feelings of anger will help you reclaim your personal identity. Don't try to fake it through life on false emotions.
The Bible explains how Job got angry about the events in his life and cursed the day of his birth. He said, "Do I have any power to help myself, now that success has been driven from me?" (Job 6:13). In the end though, God blessed Job in many ways and Job told the Lord, "Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful to know" (Job 42:3b). Through his feelings of anger and frustration, character and understanding was built.
2. It is all right to get angry.
God designed us to feel a wide variety of emotions and one of these is anger. There are numerous instances in the Bible where Scripture specifically tells us about how even God got mad. What does the Bible tells about how to cope with our own angry feelings?
- "For man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires" (James 1:20).
- "Wise men turn away anger" (Proverbs 29:8b).
- "A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control" (Proverbs 29:11).
God knows that although anger is a natural human emotion, it should not be our lifestyle. Some people may argue that it takes anger to get things accomplished. One example of this is the emotional name of Mothers against Drunk Drivers which have a seemingly appropriate acronym called "MADD." "We discover that anger is first and foremost demand for change," writes Topf. Great things have happened in our history, because of the "I'm-not-going-to-take-it anymore-attitude," but it's not how God calls us to live our entire life.
In Amos 1:11, God says, "I will not turn back my wrath... because his anger raged continually." God understands how we will feel anger, but when we feel it continually, He becomes annoyed. When all of our energy is spent being angry (and it does takes a lot of effort) none of our focus is on Him. We must find a way to use our anger effectively so we can bring God the glory.
3. Walk with God and He will walk with you through your anger.
David experienced this and wrote, "Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me." (Psalm 138:7). God is there when you need to feel angry and he wants to stretch out His hand against your anger and protect you.
"I'm still dealing with anger toward this illness, after eight years of being sick," shares a woman who lives with fibromyalgia, Peggy says, "Each time I experience a new limitation, I get angry all over again. But as I learn to cope with living with chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia, and the limitations it places on my activities, I expect God's perfect grace. I pray that He will become slow to anger, as I am depending on the scripture, 'The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love'" (Psalm 103:8).
Coping effectively with anger will be a challenge we deal with for the rest of our lives. Some of the most vital guidance to cope with it is in a scripture that I point to in my book, "Why Can't I Make People Understand? Discovering the Validation Those with Chronic Illness Seek and Why" where I steer one through emotions of bitterness, jealousy and anger that accompanies illness. Hosea 7:13b-14 says: God says, "I long to redeem [you] but. . . [you] do not cry out to Me from [your] hearts, but wait upon [your] beds." So don't flop down on your bed and wail "Why is this happening to me?" Instead pour out your heart to the Lord and merely ask Him for help.
"Why Can't I Make People Understand?" is author, Lisa's latest book that will get you through your anger at
http://www.WhyCantIMakePeopleUnderstand.com/ www.WhyCantIMakePeopleUnderstand.com . Get a free download of 200 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend from when you
http://www.restministries.org/res-ezine_ill.htm) subscribe to HopeNotes at Rest Ministries. Lisa is the founder of Invisible Illness Week.
