Encouraging The Chronically Ill Moms In Your Playgroup
Lisa Copen
Mommy moments come in all forms of days at the park, backyard BBQs, or meetings at the pool. They are a great time to get to know other mothers and share activities as well as advice. But as the number of women who live with chronic illness such as chronic fatigue syndrome and lupus continues to grow, so does the spontaneity of the fun of these mommy moments.
According to the National Fibromyalgia Association, fibromyalgia (FM) experts estimate that about 10 million Americans and approximately 5 percent of the population worldwide live with this disabling condition of FM, one of the fastest growing auto-immune diseases in the USA. When I recently went to my adoptive moms play date group, even within this niche group, three out of the six of us had chronic illnesses. Being aware of they illness symptoms a friend may cope with, and the daily changes in their limitations and abilities, can make a big difference in how much they are willing to be a part of a mom's group and feel comfortable around other moms who all seem to jump hurdles at the speed of light.
[1]. Ask what time of the day is good for play-dates or activities. This can vary from season to season (weather affects it a great deal); and also from one illness to another. For some moms, mornings are good and afternoons are exhausting; for others it's the other way around.
[2] Be flexible and don't make her feel guilty if she must cancel. Having a chronic illness means each day is unpredictable. Last week I took one step and my knee was locked up for four days. I winced in pain as I did heat and medication therapy while my husband worked at home. All my plans were cancelled and I had no advance notice.
[3] Communicate with her that you understand she has some limitations. So ask "How far are you comfortable walking today?" and try to accommodate. A two-block walk to the park may seem like miles for her and the few stairs may be impossible. I won't even take escalators any more with my poor knees, so take the elevator with her. Don't run ahead of her, unless you are chasing your kids (or hers!) and understand she may need to sit down on a bench for a few minutes to rest, even after walking just one-hundred feet. Standing can also be hard, so even if the carousel line looks like a ten minute weight, she may need for you to stand in line and then let her jump in at the last minute.
[4] Show some interest in what she deals with but ask politely. For example, say, "What is your greatest challenge?" Avoid sharing with her about the many cures you've heard about on TV and in the magazines for her illness; don't try to sell her products from your trunk that will cure here overnight; and don't think that it will encourage her to hear about your mother's cousin's sister who has the same illness but still manages to raise four children and work a midnight shirt at the local hospital because she "refuses to give in her illness."
[5] Remember that simple things may be difficult for her. For example, if you go to the beach, ask her if she would like to be dropped off while you find a parking spot. Many people are unable to plop down on the ground, so bring a few lawn chairs so she isn't the only one two feet above everyone else. Sun and heat can bother her so she will need to find shade. Don't expect her to carry three lawn chairs, a cooler and your fourteen-month old daughter, even though you can carry all that and the dog. You don't want to make her feel helpless, and she doesn't want a fuss, but be aware that she may need a few extra considerations.
[6] Don't assume that she can take care of your children, even for five minutes, unless she volunteers. Child-caring is exhausting and caring for her own may be zapping her of the little strength she already has. Plus, if your kids are prone to run out into the street, realize that she may not physically be able to chase them.
[7] Plan activities that she can participate in. While you may love your stroller exercise groups, and mommy-and-me swim classes, these activities may not be options for her. Ask her what kinds of things she likes to do and then join her for these. Keep the activities under three hours; while you may spend six hours at the zoo, affirm that you completely understand she needs to get home. Don't say, "a little more exercise may do you some good!"
[8] Lastly, tell her those words that every mom so wants to hear at least once in her life: "You are doing such a great job as a mom. I don't know how you do it all, especially with your illness. I really admire your perseverance and strength."
Get 40 free pages of http://www.restministries.org/res-ezine.htm) "Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend" by Lisa Copen when you sign up for HopeNotes chronic illness ezine at Rest Ministries. Lisa is the director of http://www.chronicillness.com/ Invisible Illness Awareness Week.
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