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Parenting Advice: When The Other Parent Is Poisonous |
By:
Dr. Noel Swanson |
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Parenting Advice: When The Other Parent Is Poisonous
Dr. Noel Swanson
Q. My stepdaughter is 4, and her real mother is constantly in and out of jail and has 86 felonies. She gets visitation every other weekend, (If she shows up). Every time our daughter comes back from her visitation she is a completely different child. When she gets home she just sits there for hours on end and won't say anything.
A. Indeed, it is a difficult situation, though it usually happens with separated parents. In this case the child's mom is in jail, which makes it worse. But even if the child is living with the mother and goes to meet the father he/she comes back depressed - sometimes belligerent and destructive or just in a bad mood.
Since you cannot do much about this difficult situation, you have to manage it properly so that it does not leave such an impact on your child.
First of all, give up the idea of any kind of therapy; it is not going to help. You, as an adult and parent can do much better.
There are essentially two different scenarios. The first is similar to our reader's, in which the 'other' parent is, in some way 'poisonous'. The second is when there is simply a difference of parenting styles between one home and the other. In this article I will just deal with the former.
This kind of parent is, among other things, unreliable. He promises to call or come, but doesn't show up. This hurts the child deeply because he/she goes through a whole spectrum of feelings, from hope and excitement to disappointment and despair and even guilt.
Often the parent does come and take the child but either ignores the child completely or imposes his/her will on the child. This hurts the child as it gives the impression that he/she is not a priority in the mind of the parent.
Often too, it is not just the child who is caught up with the manipulations. Many times I have seen mothers changing their plans at the last minute to accommodate a sudden pronouncement from the other as to what they will, or won't, do this weekend.
Some parents are so caught up in their emotions that they, intentionally or inadvertently, start using the child as a messenger for conveying unpleasant remarks about each other. This is damaging for the child. It gives him wrong ideas and he may develop an attitude to play one parent against the other for personal gains.
All children want to be loved and cared for. They can sense love and respond to it whole heartedly. But if one parent keeps saying nice things but behaves uncaringly then the child loses all sense of worth and belonging.
Unfortunately, parents who are this slippery, are often equally difficult to deal with through the courts. They are adept at casting themselves in a good light, since there is rarely any factual evidence to back up mom's complaints.
If you find yourself in this situation, you need to take some strong and decisive action. But it won't be easy.
Start by seeking mediation or legal advice. Deny access to the other parent till the situation becomes clear. This is not to say that getting the courts to agree to this will be easy.
What you can get, however, is some very clear agreement regarding visits: When will they happen? At what precise time? What about phone calls during the week? What happens if they other parent does not show up?
Then, having got that clarity, stick to it. Do not allow phone calls outside of the prescribed times. Do not allow the times of the visits to be changed to the other's convenience. If the agreement is for the child to be picked up between 5pm and 6pm on Friday, then wait until 6pm only. If there is another no-show, go out! Do not be available when he finally turns up at 8.30pm expecting to pick up his daughter.
Keep a record of exactly what happens and when. You will need this when you go back to court. You may also want to seek expert opinions to testify as to the effects of all of this on the child.
No matter what happens, make sure you are always warm, positive and supportive with your child. You don't have to make excuses for the other parent nor should you criticize him in the presence of your child. Just enjoy the times when she is with you. Do your best to make life as normal as possible in the abnormal circumstances.
As an ultimate step you might have to think of moving out of the town or state to make the visits more impractical. But, before you decide to take such a drastic step, make sure your opinion about the other parent is not based on prejudices against him. Think objectively, or talk it over with a friend or counselor before moving out.
To get more articles full of http://www.good-child-guide.com/expert-parenting-tips) parenting advice by Dr. Noel Swanson, why not check out his http://www.good-child-guide.com/ parenting advice website?
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Article Source: http://www.statssheet.com/articles/article65037.html |
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