Steven Wright - The Sublime Comedian
Aazdak Alisimo
The say there is a fine line between greatness and utter madness. If Steven Wright is any indication, the line is getting blurred as his form of comedy is legendary for its uniqueness and, in many cases, bizarreness.
If you are not familiar with Steven Wright, it is hard to know where to start. He has a huge head of frilly hair but is going bald on top. He speaks in a monotone voice, but has perfect delivery. Here are some of his choice sayings.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Aazdak Alisimo writes for FunnyQuotesDaily.com, where you can get free
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