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Why Do We Fight With Our Teenagers? |
By:
Dr. Noel Swanson |
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Why Do We Fight with Our Teenagers?
Dr. Noel Swanson
For 13 years you have slaved and worried. You have changed diapers, nursed them through chickenpox, cried on their first day at school, cheered for them in the school Christmas play, patched up skinned knees, and packed their lunch box for their first day at secondary school.
Those years must have been the most strenuous, right? They were 100% dependent upon you and that took a great deal of your energy. Shouldn't it be simpler now that they are teenagers? They are more independent and don't need your supervision in every situation. They can do some of the chores in the house and in the garden. They can take care of themselves if you want to go out for a late movie. You talk with them about subjects you will both enjoy, right?
How come what happens next is that things change when your child goes through their teenage years? What happens? In some societies, a 13 year old would be thought of as an adult. They could work in the government and even marry. This is not the case in Western society. Teen years in the Western part of the world are stricken with with conflict and struggles.
There are two parts to the answer: biology and culture.
The brain is complex. It is in a great state of growth and development during the teenage years. It is always growing, expanding, evaluating, and making links. These links build the foundation for memory, learning, perception, and social rationale.
>From birth through age 12, your child's brain absorbs and learns a large amount. At birth the brain communicates through non-verbal means and by age 12 your child can communicate through effective verbal and reasoning means.
Then the teenage years hit the brain like a tornado. The brain goes into a state of shambles after which it rebuilds itself. While your brain is rebuilding itself your child might not be able to do some of the things they could before. For example, speaking to the opposite sex has suddenly become virtually impossible without becoming quite nervous. Throughout the teen years your child will need to understand the components of social interaction and how they fit into the whole social scene. They will make friends and strive to find their sexual ife partner.
But learning this stuff is difficult. The brain has to operate in these fields while, at the same time, it is re- programming itself to a much greater degree of sophistication that it had in the pre-teen years. And that is what causes such variability in their social functioning: At times they are acutely aware of social nuances. At other times they just don't seem to get it.
This tug-of-war is also affected greatly by the ups and downs of their sex hormones. Plus, teens tend to stay up late and skip much needed sleep. These factors together can make for one feisty teenager.
Teens also have to deal with the different expectations placed on them now that they are teenagers. They hear every day from many sources that they "should" be doing certain things and the definitions between normal and abnormal. Expectations for how they should act during each year of their teenage experience is detailed by their parents, friends, teachers, police, and society. It can be hard for a teenager to discern exactly how they should act when they have all these people forcing their opinions on them.
But there is a problem with expectations. Every time you have one, you have the potential for a problem. A behavior is only a behavior; until someone says that it "should not" be happening. Then, suddenly, it is a problem.
The combination of the varying expectations, sex hormones, and plain teenage angst cause your teenager to act like an angel one minute and a scounderel the next.
How do you deal with a teenager that is up and down in their emotions and actions? You can try some of these tips. When you have a fight with your teenager or you are just fed up with what they are doing, take heed of the following:
1) Arguing and shouting won't work
2) Your teenager wants to have the best outcome as well. They are relying on the extent of their perceptions and skills which could be far different from yours.
3) It is important to note that your teenager is still trying to understand their role in life and also may not understand either why the two of you are fighting.
4) Why is it such a big problem? Whose expectation has not been met? Is this really a significant pothole on the highway of life?
5) Brainstorm different ways of communicating with your teenager besides forcing them to see things your way.
6) Your teenager will outgrow the teenager years in a matter of a few years. Think about the future and what kind of memories you want to create.
In conclusion, it is a good idea to have rules and expectations. However, relax a little. Don't be so strict that you push your teenager away. Figure out how to have fun together so you can both get through the teenage years with fun and enjoyment.
Dr. Noel Swanson hosts a very interesting website on http://www.good-child-guide.com/ parenting, so if you could do with some tips for dealing with your http://www.good-child-guide.com/teenagers-behaviour) teenager's behavior you should pay it a visit. Click here to get your own http://www.uberarticles.com/home.php?id=1420&b=79 unique version of this article.
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