Negating Words: But
Kenrick Cleveland
I really like you, but. . .
I agree with you, but. . .
You look great in that dress, but. . .
Do you get the feeling from these three examples that whatever coming next might not be so good?
Learning to have a precision with language is one of the most important aspects of persuasion. The big 'but' is a negator which will cost you persuasive power.
The word 'but' weakens your ability to be persuasive. This applies to print, in conversations, in e-mails, letters--in all forms of conversation. It's a tiny and very dangerous word.
Here's an explanation of how 'but' can hurt you. Let's take an example from above. Have you ever had a romantic interest say to you, 'You know, I really like you a lot, but. . . '? Ouch. I'm not sure I want to hear what's next. '. . . but I'd just like to be friends.' Bummer. And yet, you saw it coming at the but, didn't you?
Then there's, 'I agree with you, but. . .' But what? 'But I still think I'm right.'
Using 'but' in the sentence negated everything that came before it. What 'I agree with you, but. . .' is really saying is, 'I don't agree with you.'
'But' makes you sound indecisive. It softens the power of your message, lessening your authority and exposing weakness.
When persuading the affluent, avoiding this appearance of indecisiveness is especially important. What's more persuasive--using negating words like 'but', or a more solid statement like, 'I don't agree with you, and here's why'?
Start to pay attention to others when they use the word 'but'. You may get the feeling that they're not telling you the whole truth, the whole story, like there's something they're holding back. You might even get left with the feeling of 'What else is wrong? What else am I not aware of?' When this occurs, our brains perform what is called a trans-derivational search (TDS) in order to internally search for what's wrong. You're actually attempting to mind-read what you think they're leaving out. In most cases, this leaves you assuming they disagree with you. That's the opposite of rapport.
I noticed a big but not too long ago when a young Hollywood starlet was interviewed before she went to jail (the first time). Her sentences were filled with incongruency. At one point where she said (and I'm paraphrasing), 'Well, I feel really bad about what I've done and I'm ready to face the consequences of my actions, but' and then she just trailed off. She didn't finish her sentence.
But what? 'But I'm a rich, spoiled, beautiful, privileged celebrity and I can do whatever I want any time I want, so bite me'? See? That's where my TDI search took me. I filled in the blank she left with my own mind reading abilities.
One of the great secrets to persuasion is reading between the lines. What people say is what they mean. 'But' is a perfect example of this. Listening to what people say is your job. Take a moment to distinguish the actual words and you'll likely be surprised at what they are really saying.
'But the word 'but' is a hard habit to break. . . ' you might say. There's a really easy way to eliminate 'but' and regain your persuasive power. Simply replace it with 'and'.
Eliminate this: 'I agree with you, but I still think I'm right.' And replace it with, 'I agree with you and I still think I'm right.' Instead of, 'I really want to hire you, but we can't afford what you're asking.' Try, 'I really want to hire you, and we can't afford what you're asking.'
Eliminating 'but' will give you more credibility when speaking to others and more congruency and less contradiction making you way more successful in persuasion.
Kenrick Cleveland teaches strategies to earn the business of wealthy clients using http://www.maxpersuasion.com/ persuasion. He runs public and private seminars and offers home study courses and coaching programs in http://www.maxpersuasion.com/ persuasion strategies. Get your own completely http://www.uberarticles.com/?id=35629&b=79 unique content version of this article.
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