I want to tell you about the effects of divorce I experienced myself. I know there are many, many websites about the effects of divorce, how bad it is for children, how to organize your new situation financially and practically, but that is not what I want to talk about here. I want to tell you the story of my life, and I want to take you on a trip through an area where I feel my divorce has had a much bigger impact than I would ever have imagined.
Something I realized the other day, is that I do have a deep rooted feeling of guilt since the day I divorced. I often don't even know that I am feeling guilty, but since I started recognizing the feeling in my body, I am much more aware of it. I sense a strange feeling in my stomach in certain situations, and I now recognize it as 'guilt'.
Guilt is a weird emotion. I never thought that I would feel guilty about things which are not my fault. And actually, there is very little which is my fault. Yes, I made my mistakes, but then, who doesn't? I am fine as I am, no need to change me! And still, apparently, there is this feeling of guilt smoldering somewhere in the abyss of my subconscious mind...
I feel it when I see the photograph of my ex-hubby and my daughter, so happy together, I feel it when my husband tells me about the sadness of his children when he is not there, I feel it when my best friend tells me that she had a rough time and I did not phone her...
Why do I feel guilty the whole time? It looks as if I am disappointed in myself. Me, the outgoing, positive, cheery woman, feeling guilty the whole time? What happened to me over the years??
Disappointment and guilt seem to go hand in hand. When I think I should have acted differently and better, I feel that pebble in my stomach. When I put my daughter on the bus, I feel that I should not want to live in a rural area, where the school is far away and she has to travel for more than an hour per day. When I see the dirty dishes in the sink, I feel that I should be a better housewife, and that the kitchen should be neat and clean, so that my daughter gets the good example for a organized and clean household. When I talk to the friend who feels neglected, I feel that I should have been there for her when she needed me most.
Expectations lead to disappointment (Buddha)
Guilt and disappointment are somehow related. I feel that if I am not having high expectations as to my own behavior under certain circumstances, I am also less prone to be disappointed when I don't behave up to my own standards. The resulting feelings of guilt then also do not appear. Sometimes it are other people having high expectations, and even more often, we THINK that they have certain expectations (which we will never meet), and in reality they do not even think like that....
Every emotion lives somewhere in our body. We often do not link the emotion with the pain or discomfort we feel. As soon as we are aware of the link, however, it becomes easier and easier to see the relationship between the body sensation and the emotion. because we tend to try to forget everything which has to do with the effects of divorce, many of these emotions are kind of hidden, and our body sensations help us to uncover them again.
Step two: Accept ourselves as we are. I know, it sounds easy, and it is more like a road to go, instead of one step. But every journey starts with one step, so take it today. Forgive yourself the mistakes you make, promise yourself that you will learn from them. Accept that you have made mistakes in the past, mostly because you did not know back then, what you know now. Be patient with yourself, and don't judge your past.
Step three. Forgive others too. You have to forgive yourself first, before you can start forgiving others, so this is the order of things. You will be amazed how much friendlier the world looks if you start to be a forgiving person...
The concluding step four: So I forgive myself and others, which means I have better relationships, and much less stress. This means I do not make the mistakes I made before due to stress, and I have less reason to feel guilty and disappointed.
Charlotte Kamman helps stepfamilies to reach their potential as a happy, healthy, safe base for children and stepchildren. The effects of divorce are often unavoidable, and yet many people do not expect them to hit so hard. Instead of blaming the children, start making the chance to need now! Click here to get your own unique version of this article.
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