How to Get Your Ex Back
by Erik J. Michaels
I don't think anybody truly expects that getting back one's ex is going to be easy...it just simply is not so. Rekindling a relationship that seems to have flickered and died takes a lot of determination and will, not to mention a good attitude towards self-change. If you think it'll be like hitting the bar and finding someone to spend time with again, think again. This isn't going to be some hottie on the dance floor who's never met you before...this is your ex girlfriend or boyfriend, who's on to all your tricks and knows you possibly better than you do yourself. It's going to be a challenge, but if you feel it's worth the struggle you should go right ahead...just don't ever get the idea that it'll be easy.
If a relationship ends, that's a pretty clear-cut sign that something wasn't quite right...if you want to resurrect what the two of you once had, you're going to have to make some pretty heavy changes and sacrifices. It's not going to be as simple as just buying her some flowers or wearing his favorite outfit...you're going to have to do some restructuring with who you are.
A lot of people make the mistake after a breakup of smothering their exes in apologies and attention. That only works in the movies, and a lot of the time it doesn't even work then. What you need to do is give your ex some room to think. Chances are, that person doesn't feel much like dealing with you right now, so anything you do to thrust yourself back into his or her life is just going to make things even worse. You both need a little space and time, so have some respect and let it be for a little while. After a sufficient recovery period, you'll be able to make contact again...gently.
Remember that the person may still be mad at you, and hurting. This initial phone call or email isn't about your relationship or your breakup, it's about your partner's well-being. As bad as the breakup felt to you, it's highly possible that your ex felt it the same way. Don't pressure your ex, just be there as a kind ear and a friend. You'll get your chance to mend the relationship soon enough, don't worry.
As time goes on, you'll get the opportunity to spend a little time with your ex. These "dates" are very important...and the things you do to strengthen the bonds will vary a little depending on if you're the guy or the girl in the relationship.
For the girls, you'll want to make sure you're not being too emotional or clingy. Don't swamp the poor guy with talks of feelings and love and making things work. All you're going to do is scare him away. Instead, try to put him at ease a little bit. Do things you two used to enjoy doing together, it'll help him remember how being with you made him feel, and he may end up wanting to get back together a bit himself. Do what you can to just keep things smooth and friendly without being overbearingly romantic. Be the person he fell in love with, and let him see that the things that drove you apart have been addressed.
To the guys: women aren't from another planet in spite of the rumors, but they really are wired a little more emotionally-based. Girls need a guy who can fulfill their emotional needs in a relationship, so you have to be recognizable as the one who can do that. Be a listener, and truly listen to what she's saying. Watch for nonverbal cues as to how she feels about you. Chances are, she still loves you...you just have to be worthy of that love. Listen to her, don't put her in awkward situations, and let her see how much you've improved in the areas that caused the most trouble before.
The bottom line is, any relationship is a two-person job. Both people have needs, and your job is to make sure that your partner's needs are met. If you really think about it, you'll realize that not much is really asked of you, and a few changes to how you go about things or just doing a little self-work that's generally beneficial anyways will solve most relationship problems. It's just that getting back together after a fallout can be a fragile process, and you should go about it with as little pressure as possible.
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