Quotes to Make You Laugh
by Steven Jeny
In a rut? Grumbling about all the nonsense in your life? Switch to decaf and lighten up a bit. Easier said then done, eh? Well, give these jokes and quotes a read. They should do the trick.
1. Rodney Dangerfield - I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
2. Paul Ehrlich - To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
3. Steven Wright - Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
4. Henny Youngman - A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
5. Dave Attell - You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike
6. Steven Wright - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
7. Rodney Dangerfield - My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
8. George Bush - Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness.
9. Jay Leno - Researchers have found that oral sex among teenagers has doubled in the last ten years. So who says there is no lasting Clinton legacy.
10. Rodney Dangerfield - I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
11. Winston Churchill - A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
12. Steven Wright - If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
13. George Bush - To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say: You, too, can be president of the United States.
14. Rodney Dangerfield - I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
15. Steven Wright - Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
If life is getting you down, fight back. Read a joke or funny saying each day. Even on the worst of days, it will provide you with a little glimmer of relief. A laugh a day keeps the mental institution away!
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