Almost every parent comes up against this one - and for many it is a source of great aggravation, frustration, and countless fights and arguments. So how do you solve it? Here are some tips:
Before you begin this exercise, make sure you have provided enough space where all the stuff can go. If the cupboards or drawers are full and overflowing, you can't expect them to put their stuff in them. You will have to reorganize the storage space or even install some additional shelves, boxes under the bed, or chests of drawers to accommodate all the things that are precious to your child.
Ideally you want enough storage space so that there is still some spare capacity even after everything has been tidied up. Otherwise, if everything is crammed in, it can be very hard to find anything when you want it - which makes the solution of scattering everything across the floor rather attractive.
Once you have solved the storage problem, it is time to establish a routine and appropriate expectations. Every child is different. Some, amazingly, seem to be born with the "tidy gene". Most are not. Also, their definition of tidiness may be very different from yours. Don't expect them to keep their room spotless every single minute of every day. Instead, try to establish, preferably by negotiation, what a reasonable standard of tidiness is, and how often that should be achieved.
Remember, your goal should be to teach your children how to responsibly look after their belongings; it should not be to showcase a spic and span room to show off to others. If you are taking up this exercise only because the untidiness gets on your nerves, then stop and think again. This will not help you or your child. Set your emotions aside and focus on teaching a good habit to your child. Therefore, you will have to be patient and live with an untidy room at times.
So, once you have established reasonably expectations - eg, that they put things away before bed, or once a week they do a big tidy-up, then it is time to draw up some kind of contract.
What this says, in very simple terms, is what are the consequences for success and failure? For example, if the agreement is that they will do a big clean up before lunchtime on Saturday, what happens if they do, or don't, achieve that?
Again, the focus should be on rewards not punishments. Give them earned privileges based on achieving the goal. You may want to combine them with a chart system connected to other chores.
In rare cases you can use some punishments for failure, but only as a last resort. And, the punishment should commensurate with the crime. You may want to try out the "black bag" technique, which is to put all scattered things in a big black bag which will be thrown into the attic, basement or garage for a week. If they tidy up the room by next Saturday, they can have it back. If not, then the next week's black bag collection is also thrown into the basement. This continues until they do some tidying up!
Key to the process, however, is a total absence of shouting or other punishments. All is done calmly. At the appointed time you simply go up to the room and gather up the offending articles.
Do this a couple of times and most children will get the message and tidy up before you get there with the black bag!
There may be times when you are expecting visitors and you need your child's room. This is your need and out of the contract. So, remember that this is extra to your original contract, so it would be only fair to offer an additional incentive for them to tidy up. Be grateful that they are doing you a favor by lending their room to you.
Dr. Noel Swanson offers free expert parenting tips & advice on his website - just sign up for his newsletter and get a free chapter of his book, The GOOD CHILD Guide. Why not discuss parenting issues with other parents on a parenting forum? Get your own completely unique content version of this article.
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