You have spent all day looking after the children - feeding them, washing clothes, picking up after their mess, listening to their whining and temper tantrums, managing their various behavior problems - now the day is over, don't you deserve a bit of peace and quiet and some quality time with your partner? All you ask is that they go up to their room, go to bed, and STAY there!
One out of three children just refuses to go to bed before their parents!
If you are one of the parents of such children for whom getting your child to go to bed is an arduous task, here are some tips that can help:
You can start by assessing how much sleep your child needs. While most children below the age of 12 require about 10 to 12 hours sleep there are kids that need much less. Basically, younger children need more sleep and it goes on decreasing as they grow. If your child actually needs less sleep than what you are imposing on him, you are fighting a losing battle. Remember, you cannot force sleep on anyone. If you can't sleep if you are not sleepy, how can you expect your child to fall asleep at your command? Your child functions very well on just 6 or 8 hours sleep. So be it! There is just no point fighting with them to go to bed 4 hours before they need to.
Once you have established a reasonably bedtime, you then need to decide that you are going to stick to it! Kids will exploit any weakness. If they see a chance to manipulate you into giving them an extra hour they will use any and every tactic they can think of to wrangle that from you: they will ask for a drink, say they are scared, need to pee, ask a question, anything, in fact, that might get you to feel guilty or sorry for them so that they can either stay up later, get more attention, or get to sleep in your bed. Don't give in.
Clear about the rules? Okay, the third step is to put this into practice. Establish a bedtime routine. Again, the younger they are, the more important this is. Start well before the target bedtime and lead them through the steps: getting changed, doing teeth and bathroom, reading a story, lights out. Be willing to give them your full attention during this routine.
The last step of the routine is to put the lights out. You will face strong opposition to it. Be prepared for it, but remain firm and calm. You can allow minor concessions such as leaving the door open or a night-light on if they need that. To soothe the nerves of your child, you could also put on some soft music if that helps.
Now it is crunch time. What do you do if they then get out of bed, or call for your attention? The trick here is to reassure them if they genuinely need that, without giving them so much attention that it reinforces their getting-out-of-bed behavior.
You could use a timer and tell your child that you will be up to check on them after five or ten minutes only if he stays in bed. Start with five minutes and gradually increase to ten minutes. Make sure you go up to check on him and praise him for staying in bed quietly. But don't linger on. Just tuck him up quietly, give a kiss, and leave.
If necessary you can repeat this procedure, at gradually lengthening intervals, until they are asleep. Yes, it sounds like lot of work at first, but do this consistently and they will learn to stay in bed for longer and longer periods of time. Eventually they will learn to fall asleep before you next come to check on them.
Remember to be positive by praising your child for staying quietly in bed. Also, be very particular about keeping your promise by going to check exactly at the time fixed. This is where the timer comes in handy.
If they get up before your next check, do the following:
First, send them firmly back to bed. Don't shout; just make it clear you mean business. Then remind them that you WILL be up to tuck them in again, but it won't be until the timer says so, and now you are going to have to restart the timer as they got out of bed. Having done that, ignore them until the time for your next check.
Finally, remember to reward them for success in staying nicely in bed. A star chart or similar works well for this.
Dr. Noel Swanson offers free expert parenting advice on his website - you will also find a free chapter to his highly acclaimed book, the GOOD CHILD Guide. You can also meet with other parents on a parenting forum. Get your own completely unique content version of this article.
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