If there is one word that is consistently heard about parenting, it is the need for consistency: consistency in what you say and do, and consistency between parents.
If you are not consistent, your child gets ample opportunity to manipulate you and play one parent against the other. But achieving consistency is a difficult feat, no doubt! And can become more difficult if the other parent is too rigid to change his/her behavior for the child.
See, if these suggestions will help:
In order to remain calm and maintain consistency, you need to have a plan. You know your situations and you should make a plan how to deal with them
The idea is to pre-empt the situation and if it still happens, your plan will help you deal with it calmly by doing what you have already planned.
Otherwise you will act out of habit, which can be quite detrimental to the purpose and the child. For example, you will lose your temper on one occasion and react differently the next time in a similar situation. This sends confusing signals to the child who doesn't know what exactly to do.
Set your priorities right. Be firm on the matters you consider important and relent on the unimportant issues. Remember, your child is not a replica of you. Allow some space to your child to grow into an individual in his own right as long as he doesn't overstep the basic norms of good behavior.
For example - putting their feet on the sofa. Allowed, or not allowed? It is your choice - but whichever way you decide, stick with it. Don't tell them to get their feet off one day, and then allow it the next.
If you think through all the conflicts that give you the greatest stress, you will probably find that many of them are in these grey areas. You can't keep sitting on the fence. Once you decide which way you way to jump, you will find that much of that stress goes away.
But what if you have a plan, but your partner keeps undermining it?
No easy answers, of course, since this goes to the core of your relationship as a couple. Are you able to discuss the children calmly and rationally, or are they pawns in some kind of power struggle between you?
I am not suggesting that you should agree on everything ? but you should be able to agree to disagree. The important point is that no matter what your differences of opinion you should support each other in the presence of the children.
If you fail to do that, the kids will simply go from one parent to the other and get what they want.
The bottom line is to be consistent yourself so that you can discuss your rules and expectations with your partner and come up with a coherent plan. Most parents find a parent book very helpful in this respect. For one, it is written by people who know and secondly, it offers an unbiased objective opinion which is easy to accept by both parents.
Some parents find it difficult to agree on even fundamental ways of handling situations. This often stems from different styles and beliefs.
In such a scenario, it is best to be true to yourself. By virtue of the same rule, give freedom to your partner to do the same.
This may result in some very different parenting styles - one being permissive the other being authoritarian. The children are not stupid. They will quickly work this out, and will know what they can get away with and with whom.
There are ways to overcome this situation if you do some introspection and try to understand the other's point of view. Rather than let the children acquire wrong attitudes, it is better to put yourself in the other's shoes. And, as they say, if it hurts, it must be hurting the other too. So, start by working on yourself, and you will see how fast the other changes too.
If your behavior is not consistent, then the situation can become so bad that one parent will completely destroy the credibility of the other parent. This kind of situation should not be allowed to continue. It is time to think seriously about your relationship and what to do about it. The children will learn to disrespect all types of authority, and you will fall in your own estimation.
The trouble is that people become complacent in their familiar grooves. Habits are hard to break. But, for the sake of your children you need to work on yourself, if you want something to change. Change yourself; it's easier than changing the other.
Dr. Noel Swanson regularly writes for Yes Parenting website and also has a free newsletter with heaps of expert parenting advice. This and other unique content 'parenting' articles are available with free reprint rights.
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