My stepson, who is four years old, goes to visit his real mother on weekends if and when she is available because she is constantly in and out of jail and has 86 felonies. These visitations do more harm to our son than good. When he comes back he is very sad and doesn't say a word for hours.
A. This is, indeed, an unusual situation, though it is very common with separated parents. Generally, the child living with the mother goes to the father for the weekend. But the effect of the meeting is the same: the child behaves queerly ? either loud and noisy or absolutely sad and silent.
Since you cannot do much about this difficult situation, you have to manage it properly so that it does not leave such an impact on your child.
First, let's be quite clear that putting the child into some sort of therapy is very unlikely to make much of a difference. This is something that needs to be sorted out by the adults.
Basically, there are two different scenarios. The first is somewhat like our reader's, in which the 'other' parent is not normal. The second is of different parenting styles between one home and the other. Here we will focus on the first kind.
How do you identify the problem? There are various features that suggest that. For instance, the parent can't be relied on. He/she promises to call or come, but fails to do so. This raises the hopes of the child and heightens the disappointment later on.
Often the parent does come and take the child but either ignores the child completely or imposes his/her will on the child. This hurts the child as it gives the impression that he/she is not a priority in the mind of the parent.
Often too, it is not just the child who is caught up with the manipulations. Many times I have seen mothers changing their plans at the last minute to accommodate a sudden pronouncement from the other as to what they will, or won't, do this weekend.
Then, in addition to their unreliability, they may also use the child as a pawn to convey messages (usually uncomplimentary) to the custodial parent. Or they may just spend the whole weekend criticizing and derogating the mother.
All children want to be loved and cared for. They can sense love and respond to it whole heartedly. But if one parent keeps saying nice things but behaves uncaringly then the child loses all sense of worth and belonging.
Unfortunately, parents who are this slippery, are often equally difficult to deal with through the courts. They are adept at casting themselves in a good light, since there is rarely any factual evidence to back up mom's complaints.
My advice is: don't let the situation continue and worsen. If you find yourself in a similar situation, act fast, even though it can be quite difficult.
First step is probably to seek some clarity through mediation or the courts. This is one of the rare situations when access to the other parent probably should be denied. However, getting the courts to agree will probably be difficult.
If that option is not likely, then get a clear agreement regarding visits, including the date, time and duration etc. But, the problem is of the other parent not showing up despite the promises.
In that case, abide by the agreement and put your foot down if there are delays and deviations from the promised time. Give him ten minutes more and if he doesn't turn up, follow your own plans. Go out with your child and have a good time. Don't wait at home and sulk. Don't be available to adjust with his convenience.
Keep a record of exactly what happens and when. You will need this when you go back to court. You may also want to seek expert opinions to testify as to the effects of all of this on the child.
In the meantime, continue to be as affirming, warm, positive and supportive for the times when she is with you. Do not make excuses for the other parent's failures. But also do not go on about them either. Focus on making the times with you as secure and 'normal' as you can.
If none of this is improving the situation, you may need to go to even more drastic measures, such as moving to a different town or state, so as to make the visits more impractical. But be very careful how you go about this, as you do not want to put yourself in the wrong. And make VERY sure that it is truly the other parent who is being the poisonous one - and not just you having a bias and prejudice against anything your ex-partner might say or do. I have seen that, too!
Dr. Noel Swanson is a leading expert on child behavior problems. He has a fascinating website with lots of expert parenting advice that is worth visiting. More of his articles can be found here: free articles on parenting Don't reprint this exact article. Instead, reprint a free unique content version of this same article.
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