We all know what a bad parent looks like: intolerant, constantly critical, more interested in their own affairs (in both senses of the word) than in the needs of their children. But what does it take to be a good parent? What does it take to give your children the very best start to life that you possibly can?
In the 1960's John Bowlby did a lot of work looking into the effects of parenting on children. In those days he coined the term "good-enough parenting". His thesis was that provided you avoided the sins of "bad" parenting, you were doing okay, and your children, with their own natural resilience, would also do okay. So is that all there is to it? Or are there things that you, as a parent, can do to be more than just a "good enough" parent. Can you, indeed, be a "super parent", even the "ultimate" parent? Or is that just a myth of the feminist movement?
First, let's clear this up: no one is the perfect parent. It's not possible for you to do everything right, every moment, every year of your child's life. Nor should you make that your goal. There's some truth Bowlby's concept of "good enough" - you don't need to be concerned with being perfect. Your kids WILL survive childhood and sometimes being "Good enough" is good enough.
But, I suspect that you probably want more for your kids than just average. I strongly believe that there are things you can do, and attitudes you can adopt, that will give your children the very best start to life they could possibly have. And, at the same time, will actually make life easier and more fulfilling for yourself too. It is not a long list, but if you can manage the following, then I believe you have every right to call yourself the "ultimate" parent:
1) Allow yourself to be human. You are not capable of doing everything or being everywhere. Everyone makes mistakes - you too have concerns, problems, and issues. and hang-ups from your own past. That's okay - it's more important to have the right attitude than to be perfect.
How do you have the right attitude? Start by being humble. Try to recognize that you are still learning, and be willing to learn from your mistakes. A sign of maturity is to recognize that you occasionally make mistakes but that you work on making changes to your life and attitude.
Of course, there's also a danger of constantly putting yourself down by telling yourself that you are no good. Allow yourself to occasional make mistakes and celebrate when you are successful. Only focus on the past as long as it takes you to learn and make changes, then move forward in the direction YOU want to go. Of course, if you have serious problems, get help.
2) Recognise you are playing a percentage game. We have all heard of them: the kids from the most abusive, deprived backgrounds who somehow manage to make huge successes of themselves. And the kids from the very best of families (as demonstrated by their siblings) who somehow go off the rails into drugs and crime.
The reality is that you, the parent, are only one factor in your children's upbringing. They are also subject to influence from the friends, other relatives, teachers, shop keepers, TV, magazines and, of course, their own genetic makeup. You cannot control all the variables. You might be the very best, the ultimate parent, and yet your kids turn out as failures. You might be the very worst, alcoholic and abusive parent, and yet your kids do fine. Nothing in life is guaranteed.
This is why you play the percentages. Society has shown us that if you beat your children the odds are greater that they won't turn out to be good adults. So you probably don't want to beat them (even if you sometimes feel like it). The odds are much more in their favor if you are fair and consistent with your discipline.
The most important thing to your success in not how your children turn out, it's more a result of you doing everything you can with all the tools you have available. You may make some mistakes, but ultimately you haven't failed as long as you did your best. If, however, you don't make an attempt to get more information or help when you need it, you have failed - you haven't done everything you could for your child, even if your decisions weren't the right ones.
3) Recognise your children are not the only things in your life. In this day and age we seem to be obsessed with the idea that the interests of the children come first, before anything else. I strongly disagree with that concept. Yes, me must consider the best interests of the child, but there are other things to consider too.
It may be, for instance, that taking a new job in a different city might be the best thing for your family - even if it means taking your child away from his school and friends.
There has to be a balance in our children's lives. By putting them first exclusively you run the danger of teaching your children that their needs and interests matter above anyone else. You are creating a selfish "me first" child. Of course we should consider our families needs when making decisions, but ultimately you have to do what's in the best interest of the entire family.
4) Look to the long term. Raising children is a long drawn- out process. Have your long-term goals in mind. How do you want them to turn out as adults? What qualities and skills do they need to learn? What experiences do they need, along the way, to learn those skills and character traits?
Some times parents are faced with quick results or taking the longer, harder approach. Many times the longer approach, while more difficult short term, bears fruit in the long range. For instance, when kids are getting difficult or rowdy, it's easy to turn to the TV as an easy babysitter, but most often your child wants your attention, the chance to sit with you and work on a puzzle, read a book or build a model.
5) Look for the positives. Like you, your children will make mistakes. Forgive them. Correct them gently and move on. Always be looking for what they did right, not what they did wrong. Children crave their parents' attention. Pay attention to what they do wrong, and they will do more of it. Pay attention to what they do right, and they will be eager to please you more.
6) Don't waiver. Keep believing in you. If you're following the steps you've read here, then you are well on your way to becoming a great parent. Sometimes your kids or interfering relatives will criticize your methods or decisions. Unless you see some valid new points, don't let them get to you. Don't be afraid to say NO if you need to. This applies to both your relatives and your children.
Sure, your decision may turn out to be a bad one. That happens. Hindsight is 20-20. But far better to stick to your decision, than to be a plastic bag blowing about in the breeze. You children are watching you; watching how you deal with life, how you make decisions, how you cope with adversity, how you believe in yourself and stand up for yourself and your family. Be a good example for them.
Dr. Noel Swanson is an expert contributor to Yes Parenting website and also has a free newsletter on children's behavior problems. Click here for other unique 'parenting' articles.
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