"I am a single mother with three children; Caitlin 7, Tom 9, and Liam 11. While Cait is fine, the two boys are causing me problems. Tom behaves well in school, but has learning difficulties. After school though, he turns into a monster, and throws temper tantrums. Liam is rude, not affectionate and just generally hates me. His dad never visits, and Tom's dad died when he was a baby. I'm going crazy and want to know what I'm doing wrong."
A. I am sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time with them. Parenting is supposed to be fun! Well, most of the time, anyway.
First, stop blaming yourself as it won't accomplish a thing. Just like anyone else, you have most likely made lots of bad decisions. It doesn't matter. The big question is what do you do now, to make the best of what you have?
Your daughter is doing well, proving that you have some good mothering skills.
Also on the plus side, is the fact that your younger boy is doing well in school. Even with learning problems, he can settle down and do his school work. Talk with his teachers though, he may be finding it so hard at school that he brings all his frustrations home.
Both sons are probably feeling the lack of their dads. It is very difficult to work on this. In some ways it is probably easier for the younger one. "A dead dad is better than an uncaring dad" since there is no ongoing rejection involved. Obviously there is not much you can do about the absent dad. All you can do is be matter of fact about it. Don't try to defend him, nor overly criticise him - if you do the former, your son will feel you are taking the "loser dad's " side instead of his. If you criticise him, your son will rush to defend him, after all, he is his dad.
Don't forget that we can't change anyone, including our children. You can however, change yourself. Think about behaviors you can change in yourself that would make your life more serene. It may surprise you to know that if you feel more positive, your children will also feel more positive. On the other hand, if you keep doing what you've been doing, you will reap the same results.
The most important thing for you is to believe in yourself and your children. Look ahead instead of back, and make a decision as to how you want to be. Keep that vision positive. In other words, don't think about what you don's want and don't keep worrying. Imagine all the things you do want to happen. Remember too that changes come in baby steps, so you won't be completely happy overnight. Just keep making small advances and know that how you're living now takes a lot of work. Read parenting books, talk to other parents. As long as you keep focused on improving your lives, you will get there.
For more expert advice on child behavior problems and for his excellent book, why not visit Dr. Noel Swanson's website http://www.good-child-guide.com ? You can also find many more of Dr. Noel Swanson free articles on parenting here. You can get a unique content version of this article.
|
