"I have a 7-year old son who is so shy he will hardly talk to anyone outside of our family. How can I help him?"
A. Although some children are, by nature, slow to warm up, that does not mean that they cannot overcome their fears and anxieties. The trick is to start from where they are at, and build from success to success.
Find activities which he can enjoy and succeed in. The more he sees himself as being good at things, the more confidence he will have - and also the more he will have to talk about. If these activities involve other people all the better. Don't force him to go, but don't let him off the hook too easily either. Many kids refuse to go to things even when they know they will love it when they get there!
Plan some social situations that will turn out to be learning experiences. Start slowly, and build on each one. One example might be, going to a movie with a friend. They can enjoy the experience together but don't have to engage in conversation. Movies are almost always fun.
Structure some activities for him that involve a few other people. Each time he gains a little confidence, plan another that is slightly more difficult. Plan these events knowing that he will do well, and then stop while it's still fun. This will make everyone want to do it again.
Make sure these social occasions involve activities that he likes. If he likes computer games, invite some friends (one for the first time, then more) to come over and play them together. They will start talking about the games as they play.
When you visit adults, you can lead the conversation by telling of your son's latest exploits on his computer game. Allow him to correct you on details, or to fill in on the intricacies of beating the Bad Boss on level 4. You could prime the adults with suggestions about what to talk about.
If he won't respond, don't make excuses for him and never force him to talk. Let him talk, or not talk, as he chooses, and then live with the consequences of his choice. However, you will have more success in getting him to talk if you draw him into conversations with open ended questions such as "How did Mario get lost in the Mansion in the first place?". Avoid putting him on the spot with closed questions that demand a one word answer, or that are about subjects he dislikes or finds difficult.
It will take time, but your son will find confidence in talking and being around people. Gradually, he'll take more chances and talk about things he isn't so sure of. If you help him to make talking fun, then he'll do it more. Conversely, if it's hard or embarrasses him, then he'll do it less.
Don't reinforce his vision of himself as "shy". If you call him that, he won't believe he can change. It could become an excuse used to get out of interacting with others. Build on his positive attributes by reminding him that he is kind, gentle, polite, and so on.
It will take a while, but if you keep being positive with him, he will come out of his shell.
Dr. Noel Swanson has a free newsletter with expert parenting advice and also regularly writes for Yes Parenting website. Click here for other unique 'parenting' articles.
|
