"I need help! My 9 year old daughter has started resisting school. She misses several days every week, complaining of tummy or head aches. When I try to talk to her she screams and cries. She acts as if she's terrified to go."
Situations like this require a firm hand. Do not be tempted to wait and hope that she will eventually go to school by herself. If left too long, she may never go back.
At the same time, recognise that her anxiety and distress are genuine. Getting angry at her will not work.
She may have one of three conditions that you need to determine: school phobia (fear of going to school), separation anxiety (fear of leaving you or your home, or agoraphobia (fear of crowded and public places).
If someone is bullying, teasing, embarrassing, or abusing her, then it could be the first diagnosis. Talk to her teachers to find out what they know and to inform them of your experiences with your daughter.
Take her to the doctor for a complete physical examination. Tell the doctor the whole story and ask him to rule out any serious illnesses.
If he doesn't find anything, then believe what he says. Don't ask for more tests and assume that your child is healthy and should be in school. Be firm with her and at the same time reassure her that you will both be fine when she gets to school. If she still claims to be sick, you can either:
First, get her to school unless you determine that she truly is sick. In that case she would be running a fever, or have nausea and/ or diarrhea, etc. If she just tells you she doesn't feel well, that isn't enough to let her stay home. Adults often go to work with uncomfortable symptoms.
Option two is to believe what she says. If she claims to be too sick to attend school, then she is too sick to be up at home. Make sure she gets into bed. Turn off the lights, close the curtains, don't let her watch TV and don't bring her any snacks. Just maintain your daily routine. Make staying home a complete bore. If she isn't asleep then she could be doing her homework. She definitely shouldn't have friends visit.
Establish some incentives for her to go to school. Some kind of reward or privilege would be in order.
Be firm and remain calm. Let her know that you expect her to go to school, but don't argue with her if she resists. The goal her is for her to want to go back to school. Once she goes and finds out that she's fine, her previous symptoms should disappear.
If none of this works, or if you are concerned about a serious depression or anxiety disorder, seek professional help through your family doctor.
Dr. Noel Swanson frequently writes for Yes Parenting website and also has a free newsletter with heaps of expert parenting advice. Get your own completely unique content version of this article.
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