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Parenting Advice: When Your Child Says, |
By:
Dr. Noel Swanson |
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"Five years ago my son's father left us. I am now remarried to a great guy named David. He has tried his best to be friends with Nathan, and I take care of the discipline. We've been married for three years and Nathan won't do anything his step-father asks of him. How can I change this?"
A. Adults know that problems between spouses cause divorce and any lingering negativity. Children on the other hand, often blame themselves when their parents don't have a succeed at marriage. Nathan undoubtedly feels like his dad abandoned him and not you. Those feelings will be reinforced if his dad visits rarely or not at all. This leaves Nathan feeling guilty, angry, and abandoned. He may even be afraid that you will leave too.
This being the case, the fact that you have now brought in another man presents a couple of problems. First, it dashes hopes that one day Mum and Dad might get back together again. Secondly, it means that someone else is stealing all that attention that Nathan had been getting from you when you were single. No wonder his nose feels out of joint!
Nathan and David may have gotten along will before you were married. He was fun then and no threat since he was just Mum's boyfriend. Now he is an equal in the family and acts like he owns the house and has the same rights as everyone else.
Communication is the key in this situation. When David became a parent instead of just a visitor that was a lot for Nathan to absorb. You need to be open and honest with him about everything. Schedule talk time for everyone. You and Nathan should talk, then Nathan and David, and finally all three of you. If you have other children, include them as well.
Acknowledge Nathan's confusion, anger and resentment. Make it clear, also, that David is not taking Dad's place, and never will. It is all right for Nathan to love and miss his father - even if you don't! Try to remain matter-of-fact about the separation, and keep the children out of any ongoing battles that you are having with your ex.
Also be honest about the fact that you love David and that's why he is now a part of the family. This doesn't detract from your love for Nathan in any way. Explain that when Nathan learns to like and accept David, that won't affect his love for his dad.
You have to tell Nathan that David does have parental authority over him now. Whatever he asks him to do, he must do it. Don't let Nathan come to you and try to discount anything David requires from him. If you don't like something David is doing, take it up with him privately. In public you have to back him up. Nathan has to be aware that you and David are a couple now and stand together in family decisions.
Dr. Noel Swanson frequently writes for Yes Parenting website and also has a free newsletter with heaps of expert parenting advice. This and other unique content 'parenting' articles are available with free reprint rights.
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Article Source: http://www.statssheet.com/articles/article53712.html |
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