Your child has entered the teenage years. You enjoyed the first thirteen years of your child's life. You worried about them every day. You changed so many diapers during their early years and watched with a smile on your face as their team placed first in the sixth grade soccer championship. You guided them through the struggles in life such as bruised shins and taking their first test at school.
Those years must have been the most difficult, right? They were totally dependent upon you and that took a great deal of your energy. Shouldn't it be easier now that they are teenagers? They are more independent and don't need your help in every situation. They can also help you around the house and in the garden. They can take care of themselves if you want a night out on the town. You can converse with them about subjects you will both enjoy, right?
How come what happens next is that things change when your child goes through their teenage years? What happens? In some societies, a 13 year old would be thought of as an adult. They could work in the government and even marry. This is not the case in Western society. Teen years in the Western part of the world are stricken with with conflict and struggles.
Clearly stated it is due to human development and everyone's expectations.
The brain is intricate. It is in a great state of growth and development during the teenage years. It is always growing, expanding, evaluating, and making links. These links build the foundation for memory, learning, perception, and social rationale.
During the first twelve years the brain learns a lot - it changes the child from a non-verbal, poorly coordinated baby to a verbal, literate, sociable and pretty competent pre- teen.
Then the teenage years hit the brain like a hurricane. The brain goes into a state of chaos after which it rebuilds itself. While your brain is rebuilding itself your child might not be able to do some of the things they could before. For example, speaking to the opposite sex has suddenly become virtually impossible without becoming quite nervous. Throughout the teen years your child will need to understand the components of social interaction and how they fit into the whole social setting. They will make friends and strive to find their sexual ife partner.
Understanding the intricacies of the social scene can be difficult for their teenage brain. Their brain goes back and forth between its modes of operation during their pre-teen years and how they are expected to act as teens. This conflict can make the social behavior of a teenager inconsistent and sometimes confusing.
Add in to this a healthy dose of fluctuating sex hormones, plus some classical teenage sleep deprivation, and is it any wonder that more often than not they seem to be "loaded for bear"? Watch out, lest they bite your head off for no apparent reason!
But there is more, and this is the second factor: The teen years are also a time of shifting expectations. The language of expectations is contained in words such as "should", "ought", "at this age", "normal". And the teen years seem to be especially filled with such words - what should a 13, 14, 16 year old be allowed/expected to do? What expectations of "normal" behavior do the parents, the teenager, the friends, the teachers, the neighbors, the police, the society have? Are they not often very confused and mixed?
But there is a problem with expectations. Every time you have one, you have the potential for a problem. A behavior is only a behavior; until someone says that it "should not" be happening. Then, suddenly, it is a problem.
The combination of the varying expectations, sex hormones, and plain teenage angst cause your teenager to act like an angel one minute and a scounderel the next.
So, how do you manage all of this? Here are some ideas. Next time you are in an argument with your teen - or getting frustrated with his or her behavior, consider the following:
1) Bickering and yelling will get you no closer to a resolution.
2) Your teenager wants to have the best outcome as well. They are relying on the extent of their perceptions and skills which could be far different from yours.
3) Your teen might be just as confused as you are as to why you keep getting in arguments!
4) Whose problem is this? Whose agenda? What, exactly, will happen if the outcome of all of this is opposite to your desires? Does that *really* matter, in the grand scheme of things?
5) Try to think of different ways of working with your teenager besides forcing them to take your point of view.
6) Your teenager will outgrow the teenager years in a matter of a few years. Think about the future and what kind of memories you want to create.
In conclusion, it is a good idea to have rules and expectations. However, relax a little. Don't be so strict that you push your teenager away. Figure out how to have fun together so you can both get through the teenage years with fun and enjoyment.
For more articles about www.good-child-guide.com/articles.html">child behavior and for his excellent book, why not visit Dr. Noel Swanson's website http://www.good-child-guide.com ? He also does a free newsletter which is highly recommended. This and other unique content 'parenting' articles are available with free reprint rights.
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