Ask the Marriage Maven: Perturbed By Pornography
I just found out that my husband has been looking at pornographic pictures of other women on the internet. He says it’s no big deal, but I don’t feel comfortable with it at all. In fact, I think it’s disgusting. It’s hurting our relationship. Every time he’s with me, I’m wondering if he’s thinking about the other women. It makes me feel ugly… What can I do?
L.J.
A. First of all, don’t beat yourself up about it. I’m sure that you’re a beautiful person, and that’s the reason your husband was attracted to you in the first place. However hard it may seem, try not to compare yourself with the fantasy. There is only one you, and your husband knows it.
From your question, I take it that you’ve talked with your husband about his habit. That’s a great first step. Unfortunately, pornography is one of the most deceptive and destructive habits facing many married couples. In fact, the National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families states that "approximately 40 million people in the United States are sexually involved with the Internet." That’s just a fraction of the overall porn industry. So you’re not alone.
One of the best ways to get your husband to stop is to let him know exactly how you feel. You used the words “ugly” and “disgusting” with me. Have you used those exact words with him? He needs to know exactly what his habit is doing to you, your self esteem, and your view of the marriage.
Have the conversation knowing that the “battle” may not end there. Your husband may be addicted. Some signs of pornography addiction include (but are not limited to) secretive behavior, spending exorbitant amounts of time or money on the habit, and ignoring other responsibilities in order to engage in the behavior.
If you think your husband is addicted, here are some other resources that can help:
http://www.sexualcontrol.com/pornography-addiction.html
http://www.afa.net/pornography/addiction.asp
http://www.purelifeministries.org/
The Way of Purity Course http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/enroll/enroll.php)
http://open-mind.org/Directory/index.php?ax=list&cat_id=9
Keishia Lee-Louis is the Editor and Publisher of www.Married4Good.com Her work has appeared on iVillage.com, BibleResourceCenter.com, and in numerous other printed publications.
Currently, she lives with her husband, daughter and son in metro Atlanta and is writing a book on marriage and relationships, which will be published Spring 2006.
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